navigating the comedy of life

a journey of quietening the old mode of being

I cherish my Saturday mornings. I always arrive at 7 am at one of the city’s most popular bakeries. Being early is a tactical move, ensuring that I and four former-strangers-now-friends secure the only tables available. Together, we form an impromptu oligopoly of seating, holding power over them at the bakery’s busiest hours.

Saturdays are for unscheduled spontaneous reading, writing, and chatting with strangers. Today, tho, was different; I had a mission to complete. "Your homework: write and bring jokes," our teacher instructed her students, aka aspiring clowns of the universe.

A joke is something that makes other people laugh. It is composed of two elements - a setup and a punchline. The setup builds up expectations, whereas the punchline shatters them in a silly way. The goal of a comedian is to surprise the audience by breaking the assumption they built.

Here is one example from Greg Dean: "This morning, I got up and ran five miles. Well, not me personally, I pay a guy to do that for me."

The first sentence is an expectation, second sentence is a punch story targeting your expectations and assumption that he was a runner.

In the midst of brainstorming my jokes, a message from a dear friend popped up. He’d sent an early draft of his paper, seeking my thoughts. Coolio, my excitement and curiosity rose — I love reading my friends’ work.

I click the link. I open the doc. Instantly, something feels off. “Oh no, not this insecurity again!” I think, feeling the familiar tide of self-doubt and self-questioning wash over me. Seeing the impressive work of someone I admire triggered an all-too-familiar sensation - a mode of being I’ve only become acutely aware of in recent years. In this state, I question my intellect and ability to produce things. In this state, I dismiss my six years of higher education and numerous accomplishments. In this state, I find countless reasons why my past “dumb” projects are unworthy of attention and why my opinion is unworthy of this world’s eyes.

China beach in San Francisco

I had so many opportunities to observe and study this mode of being that I know it quite well now. I know that this mode of being is powered by deep insecurity, layered in years of cultural and societal conditioning. I know that it is a result of multiple causes, such as growing up in a traditional gender-bounded family, living in a patriarchal environment, and believing in a false dichotomy between beauty and intelligence. I know the insecurity around men I admire or am romantically involved with is exceptionally high.

I’ve dedicated much effort to dismantling the belief that "Svitlana is inferior to men, lacking in intelligence and incapable of doing great things" from the moment I first became aware of it. Journaling, therapy, delving into studies on how men can create intellectually threatening environments for women, immersing myself in women’s history, and actively seeking mentorship from women— all these actions have significantly aided me. Now, I understand the truth about my cognitive abilities, truths that aren’t diminishing my sense of intellect and self-worth. I have made a massive progress here.

Yet, despite much inner work on this topic, I still find myself unable to reason and read my friend’s paper. The old mode of being woke up and with it much frustration that I allow those insecurities to exist within me. I feel sad and exhausted — this state has intruded into my life too frequently, becoming a source of immense irritation.

“What if I just give up and accept that I am dumb? That would be a simpler route,” I occasionally ponder, contemplating a surrender to those outdated old beliefs.

“Nope, this is not a good call, Svitlana, and you know it,” I reply to myself.

To surrender would mean accepting the harsh narrative I’ve crafted about myself. And in accepting it, I’d allow this narrative to spread and perpetuate in a closely intertwined ecosystem that I am a part of. Do I endorse a world where individuals fail to recognize their potential? Do I desire a world where self-doubt, especially among females, is the norm? Do I want to live in a world lacking diverse voices?

I do not.

Therefore, I choose to persist in challenging these outdated beliefs that neither benefit me nor the broader world. I commit to closely observing my thoughts and questioning the unkind judgment I impose on myself. I commit to depreciating the modes of being that no longer serve me.

I recognize that changes do not happen overnight. I am working on plucking the mode of being that was heavily internalized for most of my conscious time as a human being. Who am I to think that it will be gone so quickly? I am rewiring my state of being.

The question is, what are some other ways to soothe this mode of being down?

One way is to commit to this goal publicly by writing about it, and I sincerely appreciate you, my dear friends, for your support. Thank you. Please know that I am always so open to hearing your perspective on this, however different it is. I want to question my beliefs and writing publicly is one of the ways to do so. Please challenge me.

Perhaps another way is adding humor to it. “This morning, I swam in the ocean. Well, not me personally, I pay my old conditioning and outdated beliefs to swim in the ocean of silly insecurities for me.”¹

Perhaps another way is to crowdsource tips and tricks from my friends - what are some ways you interact with insecurities?

P.s.: thanks to Aleks for challenging me. Is pluck out the best word here? Can we ever remove sides of ourselves? To be thought about..

1. haha