loving ugly parts of svitlana

it's all about a journey

I observe Svitlana becoming more aware of many patterns within herself. Some of them are highly unpleasant, the patterns that perhaps she would not mind the ignorance of, a sweet illusion. But life is all about the pursuit of deeper and riskier fulfillment, and I suspect that my deepened meditative practices, which brought about meaningful depth into my life, are now also bearing its painful fruits.

Rather than avoiding the patterns, I want to acknowledge their existence. It is okay. They are within me - I am a human, after all. I intend to come to peace with the realization that perfection is unattainable and there will always be a gap between who I am and the version of a human being I strive to be. All happenings, me included, exist in balance with its “good” and “bad”. And it makes sense to have contradictions within a complex system.

One of the ugly patterns is the presence of my Ego Self. I observe it doing lots of measuring. On one side, it seeks validation in an upward comparative spiral. It wants to pass the test of awesomeness around the people it admires. On the other side, it turns into a narcissist, collecting high-status points by lowering others. I do not intend to use people as means to an end and yet I do it.

Hello, Cognitive Dissonance.

It is okay, celebrate the awareness while nurturing peace for deep okayness.

I also observe Svitlana has racial prejudices. Hi, Racist Self, I see you and no longer ignore or fight you. “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. Thanks, Carl. And as such, I choose to give you a tangible form.

Hello Racist Self, find yourself a comfy seat in the Soothed Happenings corner within me. I know you want to play around and I hope you will vibe with the Kind Self who is there for you, taking soothing and compassionate care of your show.

As I watch my Sexist Self undermine own and fellow females op’ opinions, I remind myself that all beings were born equal and deserve the same care. It is okay that I have internal misogyny. After all, I am a memory, interpreting fuzzy perception via the lens of past conditionings. As such, I remind myself that it will not be disloyal to my loving mom, who always has seen herself as inferior to my dad, to see myself as an equal.

I intend to approach these patterns with compassion. Awareness first, behaviour change second. As I keep coming out of the cave, I celebrate that I know I have a higher power to tweak my default state of being to get closer to the state I am striving to achieve. It is about a journey, not a destination. :)

Thanks, Thich Nhat Han.