dear agency, welcome to my world

and yes with excitement alongside

“Sometimes I just want to be in a hospital,” Jane sighed, speaking with her crisis therapist Loyd after almost shooting him. “A hospital?” Loyd prompted as he sought to understand Jane's desire to lay still in the sterile white room she imagined.

“And no, it’s not what you think. I don’t want to die,” Jane quickly clarified, knowing Loyd’s approval could label her as ‘ready to resume work’ following her mental breakdown.

contrary to Jane (from the play that you all should watch), the thought of sitting still in a hospital doesn't appeal to me. instead, my escape from choice would be a nature house, surrounded by a tranquil lake and birds.:))

templates of life

For a while, I believed in a singular template for living life:

This path is undoubtedly one way to live. However, it's not the only way. Fortunate enough to be fueled by curiosity, privilege, and a restless spirit, I've had the chance to immerse myself in a wide range of experiences, collecting people's stories on the way and learning that, oh boi, there are countless ways to craft one’s life.

I've encountered individuals who find joy in isolation, far removed from the illusions of money or politics. I've met people who happily embrace the dance of polyamory without ever committing to a single person. I've been inspired by those who embody a multitude of identities—simultaneously being artists, technologists, and comedians.

What luck, privilege, and opportunity it is to be alive in such a time and space.

Oh well, with endless options comes the task of choice. And I realized I am afraid of choice, it vibrates in me like a bugaboo, covering me in a blanket of anxiety and hopelessness.

choice landscape: hi fear and analysis paralysis

Choosing my craft (aka career) is one example. At 25, the world feels like my oyster, and my nativity makes me feel like I can be anything I want. Yes, I have a CS degree, so “I am a technologist” seems like an appealing option. But hey, I also love teaching, am discovering a passion for playing with words, enjoy learning about the nature of consciousness, am curious to understand social psychology and feel drawn to being a student of yoga and mindfulness. What is my craft, and do I need a craft at all? Woah.

Facing the unknown is scary, yet it's a journey I'm learning to navigate, one choice at a time.

wandering through the ever-expanding landscape of choice, i've noticed it becomes infinitely more vast as i let go of past beliefs and preconceived notions of what life, success, and happiness should be.

choosing to escape welcome choice with excitement

Yet there are tiny moments when I find myself genuinely excited by the choice-ability I have. Dang, I wield the power to select the projects, the issues, the skills, and the people in this world. In these occasional fleeting moments, I feel most alive - and I hope this essay will help me anchor into it for longer.

I want my life to be the outcome of deliberate choices, crafted by active and conscious decisions. To achieve this, I need to let go of my fears and start choosing. I believe three strategies could help me with this goal.

1. First, making a conscious effort to trust myself and my intuition. It's possible I already know what I want but have been afraid to take the driver's seat in my life. Caught in the loop of negative self-talk, I often convince myself that I am not a trustworthy decision-maker and defer to external forces. Dear reader, any ideas on how one can embrace self-trust?

2. Second, I intend to awaken my inner chooser self. Starting with the small decisions — like picking a place while hanging with friends — I hope to strengthen that inner muscle.

3. Lastly, I will revisit one of my favorite theories of cognition and emotion, researched by Lisa Barrett. Her concept of constructed emotion—that our feelings are shaped by our physical sensations and the stories we tell ourselves about them — has already helped me once. A few years back, while job hunting and interviewing a ton, I’d sit, and actively convince myself of excitement to meet a fellow human. In a way, I was reprogramming my brain into thinking that I was not afraid.

back to jane

“It is a privilege to suffer as much as I do,” Jane realized.

Indeed, viewing my own challenges, I recognize them as privileges. The world is on fire and I am here complaining that I have to make choices between the many exciting ideas I have. Every conversation with my family in Ukraine and their calm storytelling about the third drone attack in a week grounds me and reminds me that there are frames I choose to have on my landscape of choice, and I hope these will too help me craft a fulfilling life.